Kids? Probs Not.

I’ve come to somewhat terrifying realization: I may not want kids.

            I was at my sister’s house yesterday and my two-year old niece, Kylie, was sick. We were attempting to give her medicine and it was World War 3. My sister held Kylie while I tried to give her the liquid poison. Kylie’s entire body was tensed and she was stiff like a board. She screamed at the top of her lungs. I would hold her mouth open and put some medicine in, only to have it literally spit into my face. I finally stood up and declared, “I hate kids. I’m not doing this” and walked off.

            I went home sobbing because that wasn’t me being dramatic, (except for the hate part) that was me being honest. I’ve never liked kids. I’ve never been drawn to them, even when they are being adorable, like when Kylie sings “Jesus Loves Me.” I’m indifferent to children if not annoyed by them and have no desire to have one of my own, and that scared me. Most girls and women love children and are ecstatic about the thought of one day having their own. I felt like something was missing and that I was less of a woman for not having that same desire that bonds most women.

            However, this doesn’t mean I don’t plan on having a family. Once I decided kids may not be a part of my future, I immediately thought of other options. I do picture myself sitting down at dinner with my husband and kids. Lots of kids actually. So I’ve been thinking about the possibility of being a foster parent for older kids, or even adopting older kids. I know I’m still really young and have years to think about it, but it’s been an important discovery nonetheless. I may change my mind but it’s crucial that I understand this about myself: I don’t see myself having the stereotypical family with a husband and several biological children.

I still worry that if I tell people about my realization they will look at me like a freak of nature, or maybe guys wont want to date me because of it. But it’s quickly becoming a new part of my identity and one that I’m choosing to embrace. 

One Pup's Love

I’m sitting here staring at my dog. She is a solid white, one-eyed, shed machine, also known as a husky. For three years, she has been my baby, but all that is about to change. I have to find her a new home by May 8^th because I’m leaving for a three week long trip and then moving into a house that doesn’t allow pets. So for the next week, I’ll be reminiscing. I will start with a blog:

I bought her when she was just a puppy at eight weeks old. Basically she was an attempt to replace a lost love. My dad had passed away a month earlier, and I desperately needed something to love, that would love me back and distract me. They say the best way to move on from an old affection is to replace it with a new one. And she was an adorable affection. She looked like a kangaroo because her tail was too big for her body. It was the first time I had been allowed to get a puppy since I was five. I had searched the AKC website for four weeks, trying to find the perfect breeder and the perfect puppy.

When she finally came, I was so overjoyed. She hardly left my side for weeks. Luckily it was summer so we almost never had to be apart. If a friend was having a party or I was going to visit my grandparents, I would take her with me. We were a package deal. She slept in bed with me and for the first few weeks, I happily woke up every night at 3am to let her out. Trips to the dog park, the lake, and Petsmart were regular occurrences. If she got sick, I would stay up all night with

I think some dogs have intuitive knowledge of how you’re feeling, and Tori was definitely one of them. She would nuzzle up to my face when I would cry about my dad. She wasn’t intrusive, licking me excitedly. She wasn’t asleep and ignoring me. I could tell she trying to be close and loving. She can still tell when I’m upset. Normally she is a high energy pup, but when I’m upset she’ll just walk over and set her head on my leg, just like in the movies.

I will surely miss her.